When Accountability Becomes the Enemy: Navigating Marriage with a Man Who Won’t Answer
A man who refuses to be accountable as a husband will search for any excuse to justify his behavior. You’ll hear declarations like “I’m an African” as if cultural identity were a license for poor treatment. Being African—or any other heritage—should never be twisted into a shield for irresponsibility.
If you have nothing to hide, a simple question about your phone wouldn’t trigger defensiveness. While everyone deserves privacy, there’s a clear difference between healthy boundaries and guilty panic. A wife who knows her husband intimately can spot when his reaction shifts from preference to protection of secrets. The aggression, the sudden possessiveness, the jittery responses—these aren’t about privacy. They’re about concealment.
Men who know their behavior won’t stand up to scrutiny become masters of evasion. They’ll do whatever it takes to dodge the conversation: hiding in the car for hours, staying out late without explanation, or suddenly becoming engrossed in endless phone calls the moment you try to talk. The energy they invest in avoidance could rebuild the marriage—if only they redirected it.
Watch what happens when you question certain friendships. Suddenly, you’re the controlling wife “poking her nose where it doesn’t belong.” He’ll cling to friends who engage in similar or worse behavior because they validate his choices. These associations become untouchable, defended with a ferocity that reveals their importance to his lifestyle. Sometimes, criticizing these friendships leads to arguments that escalate into insults or even physical aggression—all to protect relationships that are eroding your marriage.
Standing Your Ground
There is absolutely nothing wrong with demanding good standards in your marriage. You’re not being unreasonable. You’re not being controlling. You’re asking for basic accountability that should exist in any healthy partnership.
Understand this: don’t expect someone engaged in behavior he knows is wrong to make it easy for you to stop him. Resistance is part of his strategy. He’ll make you question yourself, paint you as the problem, and exhaust you with deflection.
If you’re married to this man, the road ahead requires significant work.
Can he get better? Yes. People can change when they truly want to.
Will it be easy? No. Change requires him to confront himself, abandon justifications he’s built his behavior around, and choose accountability over comfort.
The question you must answer for yourself is this: Are you willing to do the work required, knowing he may not meet you halfway? Your commitment to the marriage doesn’t have to mean accepting unacceptable behavior. Sometimes love means setting boundaries. Sometimes it means insisting on the respect you deserve, even when—especially when—it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved.
You deserve a partner, not a project you can never complete.
