People Change, But Not Always the Way You Expect in Marriage

People change.
I know this because I have changed—and I am still changing.

One thing I’ve also learned is the power of a consistent, supportive spouse in helping shape that change. My wife has been a steady anchor, never stopping in her effort to help me become better. And yet, as much as her influence mattered, the truth is this: most of the change only happened because I chose to change.

That’s a reality we often miss in marriage. No matter how loving, caring, or committed a spouse is, if the other person refuses to embrace growth, the results will be limited. Support helps, encouragement matters, but at the end of the day, the decision to change comes from within.

The Marriage Illusion: “They’ll Change After We Marry”

Many people step into marriage swept away by attraction, love, or even infatuation. They notice the red flags—maybe anger issues, financial irresponsibility, poor communication, or a lack of respect—but convince themselves that marriage will fix it.

“They’ll change once we’re together.”
“I’ll help them become better.”
“He just needs a family to calm down.”
“She’ll adjust after kids.”

Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, what often happens is the exact opposite. Instead of disappearing, the red flags become more visible, more disruptive, and more painful once the marriage begins. That’s when reality hits: “I thought he/she would change.”

Can People Change in Marriage?

Yes. Change is possible. With the right approach, support, and professional help, couples can work through struggles and grow together. Many marriages have been transformed when one or both partners decided to take change seriously.

But here’s the hard truth: you can’t force change on someone who doesn’t want it.

What To Do Before Marriage

If you are not yet married, this is the best advice you’ll ever get:

Don’t ignore red flags.

• Learn what the red flags are.

• Don’t dismiss them with excuses.

• Step back and assess carefully.

Marriage is not a magic wand that transforms character. If someone shows troubling behavior while dating or engaged, those traits are likely to follow you into the marriage—sometimes even magnified.

What To Do Inside Marriage

If you’re already married and facing this challenge, don’t lose hope. Change is still possible—but it requires:

1. Personal willingness – Your spouse must want to grow.

2. Healthy communication – Express concerns without hostility.

3. Support and patience – Be consistent without enabling destructive behavior.

4. Professional help – Counseling, therapy, or trusted mentors can help break unhealthy cycles.

Final Thought

People change. But the most lasting change doesn’t happen because someone forced it—it happens because someone chose it. If you’re not yet married, be wise enough to assess the person as they are today, not who you hope they will become tomorrow. If you’re already married, know that change is possible, but it begins with willingness.

So, ask yourself: do you recognize the red flags? Do you know how to spot them? And most importantly—are you willing to deal with them before they deal with you?

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