Marriage, as beautiful as it is, often comes with unexpected lessons—and many of them show up when we least expect. I remember when I first got married, I thought I had a decent grasp on what it meant to be a husband. I thought I could navigate through any issues that came up between my wife and me, just like I had seen others do.
But I quickly learned that being newly married is like being a beginner in a new job. You’re eager, hopeful, and determined, but you’re also inexperienced and a little blind to the complexities ahead.
Back then, anytime my wife and I had a disagreement, my natural instinct was to run to my mother. She was my go-to person, my advisor, my protector. Without realizing it, I made her my referee. My mum, however, took on a role I never saw coming—she became my wife’s defender.
Whenever I brought up something I believed my wife had done wrong, my mum didn’t automatically take my side like I expected. Instead, she stepped in—firmly, lovingly, and surprisingly—for my wife. It started to feel like they had a secret alliance, like my mum had suddenly switched teams.
One day, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I asked my mum, “Who is your child here, me or her?”
Her answer is something I’ll never forget.
She looked at me and said, “You are right—you are my son. But the day you brought her into this family, she became my daughter. No, I didn’t give birth to her, but that only means I must go out of my way to make her feel safe, protected, and loved. That’s my responsibility now.”
Then she added something that changed the way I viewed both marriage and family. She said, “You were raised by me, so you’re used to how I correct and guide you. She wasn’t. She grew up in a different home, under different values and beliefs. You can’t expect her to understand everything about you so soon. I will never take her side against you, but I will never let her feel alone in this family either. You are both my children now. I will speak to each of you privately when needed, and together when necessary. But now is your moment—open your ears and listen.”
That conversation hit me hard. It made me realize how easy it is to expect loyalty without understanding the deeper responsibility that comes with marriage. My mum wasn’t turning against me—she was showing me what true unity in marriage should look like. It wasn’t about taking sides. It was about building a home where both husband and wife feel equally supported and valued.
From that day on, I saw my wife differently—not just as the woman I married, but as someone who had entered my family and needed time, patience, and kindness to grow into that role. And I saw my mum differently too—not just as my mother, but as a wise woman who knew that marriage wasn’t about fighting for your child’s comfort, but about creating peace and stability in a home.
The truth is, when parents stop seeing in-laws as “outsiders” and instead embrace them as their own children, the dynamics of marriage shift beautifully. When there are no “daughters-in-law” or “sons-in-law” but only sons and daughters, it becomes easier for couples to stand together, especially in situations that involve family.
Marriage is not just about two people living together. It’s about two lives, two families, and two sets of values learning how to blend into something harmonious. It takes effort, understanding, and a lot of maturity—not just from the couple, but from the people around them too.
So to anyone navigating the early years of marriage: Listen more than you speak. Understand more than you assume. And remember, the goal is not to win arguments, but to win peace—together.
